Three Piggy Builders – Posted in: Uncategorized
Lawyer addressing the Planning Commission
Gentlemen and you, Mme. Commissioner, my client, Mr. Wolf, has asked me to address you as a result of his recent visit to some friends in the neighbourhood. He advises me that he observed a row of what he assumes to be Model Homes erected by the Three Little Pigs Construction Company.
Mr. Wolf is, himself, a builder, and he was horrified at what he saw as he inspected these three houses.
The first house was advertised as constructed entirely of local materials, specifically, twigs and leaves and claimed to meet the highest green standards, using the leaves as the first step in a solar energy package. Unfortunately, the construction does not take into account that the city is in a zone where winter temperatures drop as low as -10°C or, for those of you who are not yet familiar with the metric measurement, 14°F. Twig construction is perfect for summer weather, allowing for natural cooling from local breezes, but in the winter time such a house will draw an enormous amount of energy in order to heat it.
The second house appeared, on the surface, to be much more practical, being made of seasoned lumber, but close inspection showed it to be, in fact, a serious fire hazard since the lumber had not been treated to be fireproof, the insulation between the walls was made of shredded paper, and there was a serious lack of fire extinguishers throughout the building.
One would think that the third house had been put up to take advantage of the shortcomings in the first two, i.e. to be used by the builder to show that its brick and mortar construction had none of the shortcomings of the adjacent Models. Again, however, my client would have you understand that shoddy construction had been used throughout. Bricks and mortar were in fact the construction material, but the mortar had been applied sporadically, obviously by untrained bricklayers, the walls were out of true, and the chimney which topped this construction, on close inspection, could be seen to be so badly built that any fireplace underneath it would not draw properly, and the house would be filled with smoke.
Now I must confess that my client has not asked me to address you because he is a good Samaritan. Once your own inspectors have verified the statements I have made, you will undoubtedly require the construction company to remove those buildings, and my client would like to bid for the demolition contract involved. He is, in fact, prepared to bid at an extremely low price because he is the inventor of a controllable wind machine, which he says can be used so efficiently and accurately that, like a controlled cyclone which could pick up a piano from a demolished home and set the piano down intact in the adjacent yard, it can demolish these homes with no danger to nearby residences.
To put it simply, my client is also the owner of the Huff-n-Puff demolition company and is prepared to blow these houses down. Thank you.